The Spiritual Practice Called Parenting

the most basic thing is not to have a confrontational relationship with what's going on right now and that's not only with your children if you can master that with your children you can Master it anywhere that is one of the primary ways of dealing with things in a conscious manner not to internally oppose the eess of this moment moment hello um now that I'm up here my planned question is eluded me but I have the essence of what I wanted to ask um I have two young children and a very busy house on a daily basis it feels like working at a nightclub it is just just chaos with two very young children at the end of the day I feel so exhausted that often I find myself going I'm so tired and I'm so and over time that kind of begins to mentally wear and I don't know how to um I do the meditating I take Quiet Moments in the day but I don't see seem to know how to feel ah the days ended and that's great because phys physiologically I am so exhausted and I wanted to know is there a pointer that you could offer or even another form of talking to myself or not talking um but whatever it is the be the response resp to the intensity of raising two young children which in time will pass but in the now I'm in it is is incredibly overwhelming and I cannot seem to um stop feeling even when I I accept it I'm kind of getting sick of the accepting of [Music] the how old are they two and six oh well ideally um I would spend some time at your place to observe how you deal with things and uh then I could advise you perhaps on how to deal with things in a different way but I this probably is Not Practical uh so you have to be rather than me you have to be the observing presence in your home you can imagine that it's me the awareness in you so here's eat which for just briefly symbolizes the awareness in me it's you uh watching how I deal with situations that arise throughout the day with the children and all the demands of the daily life uh and that self-observation may already be the beginning of some a little bit more spaciousness coming in so you can observe to what extent you just react to every situation so you're at the mercy of every situation because it triggers the reaction in you rather than having a space of freedom and then respond to the situation it doesn't necessarily mean that a lot of the time while you're dealing with things that you have to withdraw and sit on a chair or or and go just just a moment I need to and you probably won't be able to do that and it's not necessary you can't say I need to take a minute off now for presence they won't let you [Applause] but uh can you be present no let's see since I can't be there could you give one or two examples of because it's always best to look at how it actually Rises of a situation and there probably many during the day that create stress for you that create that kind of the reactive turmoil yes um okay so we I've gotten the house organized some some sort of organized sense it feels a bit calmer the I get you know the children they go to nursery school for a couple hours a day they come home and my 2-year-old is a 2-year-old he's pumped up and ready to play and throwing stuff around and they love to run and scream and and have a good time that's what they're doing is really having a good time we have calm down time but they're Brothers they want to play with the same toy at the same time so the the it appears and feels not unnormal it feels like this is just the functioning of children but the intensity when I'm trying to stay conscious and using my own mind with without re reacting to them yelling and screaming and fighting over a toy and then we set up a new system okay this is going to be the new system and then that quickly changes um so the changing is this it's like this it's so fast that my brain it that's doing this the this face expression this is it I'm like this and and then they need the food and then the 2-year-old needs all the needs met the clothing into this and then the six-year-old wants all the needs met at the same time and it's just Mom at home cuz Dad's not home till 8: and it is so much um that my brain feels like it shorts out and so I do take moments of I'll just stand there with them that's when they really try and get me going they know mom is getting peace and so and they're really great kids I I I mean it but when they see me getting the piece then they want to really get riled up and have a good time so at the end of the day I just feel um knowing that this is a period of time and they grow and it will pass but at this exact now yes the the lack of calmness even amidst a a decent schedule a calm schedule is feels really challenging well the calmness of course can has to come from within you it doesn't come from outside so one way of accessing it is to not it seems to me that this is quite normal but that you spent a lot of time in an antagonistic relationship with what's happening in the present moment yes I just discovered that the other day yes and that is the basis of the dysfunction it's not what's happening in the present moment it's your inability which is not really inability because you are able but you just are not practicing it yet to align yourself with the present moment and whatever is taking place in it and not [Music] operate with the underlying assumption that that this what's ever going whatever is going on at this moment should not be going on because it's only that underlying assumption that what's going on or now should not be going on they're screaming they're throwing things of course if the mind says this should not be going on but it is going on that's how suffering happens and how you then contribute more to this to the upheavals that continuously taking place because you can't accept this moment as it is and so I would suggest to set aside at first brief practice periods give yourself 5 minutes 10 minutes when you are so bring so much alertness in when the children are there and do what they do you bring so much alertness into those five or 10 minutes that whatever they do is okay and then you still talk to them tell them something whatever you feel you need to do but it be in a different way because it doesn't come from a place of nonacceptance uh very unconscious parents and of course you are not one of them very unconscious parents uh get angry with their children I've seen I've seen parents with uh uh small children and they knock over a glass at dinner or in a restaurant and the parent gets extremely angry uh now it's in the nature of a young child not to be able to handle very well they're not as skillful yet handling physical objects so it's in their nature to knock things over and spill things of course you still teach them how to hold it and after some time they learn but obviously they cannot handle things as skillfully and there will things will get spilled and I have observed parents get getting very angry even hitting their children it's spilling 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